For many who know me personally, know that i am a die-hard romantic. The old fashion roses, walk under the stars, drum-roll kiss kinda guy. Im not ashamed of it, in fact im very proud of the fact that im one of the few who is trying to keep romanticism alive. However, i seldom do find romance. Hopeless romantics are born from situations of pain and rejection. I would like to refrain from the actual number, but i have been rejected a lot of times. Personally, i fall really hard for each of these women, stay attached for a few months, finally gather the courage to express my feelings, then i (usually) get rejected. I will say that being a romantic is a tough and long road. For those who are terribly emotional and romantics (which are two traits usually tied to one another), despondence will arrive. That’s the heart-wrenching feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, depression, and despair. Fear not, this is not about my personal experiences of pain; instead, this is written to give hope for those like me- the fellow 20 + year olds who know not of true romance and are prepared to face the immense pain of trying to find it. I plan to help you so you dull that pain just a little.
Why Be a Romantic?
Well for starters who really hates romantics besides the real cynical types? Romantics give others hope. I have a few friends who are fellow romantics and they have helped me believe that true love is possible, because of the relationships they have shared with others. Romantics are kinda like little kids that believe in Santa: Even though he may not be real, the idea of him is strong enough to keep them happy. Happiness spreads like wildfire. Have you ever been sad around someone who is absolutely ecstatic? Even those terribly hurt give hope and bring light to other’s lives.
Love is a beautiful thing, but romantics make it better. Normal dates are cool and you need them so that the romantic ones seem so much better; If every night is a romantic one, none of them seem romantic. That being said romantics can make the big nights even bigger. Normal ‘romantic’ date: candle-lit dinner. The Romantic’s ‘romantic’ date: A walk downtown, a special dinner, something that interests her, then ending the night by having her open your glove box to find a rose that you hid there for the date (your welcome fellas). The difference between the two is not just the length and effort, but the fact that you make it about her (or him). You talk about what she likes on your walk; you take her to her favorite restaurant, take her to someplace special that you know she will like (maybe a park if she’s a nature loving type, or laser tag if she’s the more adventure loving type).
I believe anyone can find love, even two criminals. Love is something formed by the connections we make with others. As long as people are intimate (share each other’s thoughts), passionate (show each other’s feelings), give to one another, accept each other’s folly, and reciprocate each other’s feelings; they can find love. Although I believe love between any two people is possible, only ‘true love’ is possible between two romantics. Imagine two people who give completely to one another, accept them as they are, and are completely open with each other. That’s my idea of ‘true love’.
Not everyone has to, can, and should be a romantic. Love isn’t at the top of everyone’s list. Sometimes the suffering is too much, depending on your sensitivity and how you view things, despondence can be too much. Just don’t expect a romance if you don’t try at it.
Helping to Stop Feeling Despondent
You will be rejected sometime. Maybe even many times. It will hurt, it will always hurt. How long depends on you. This isnt even for just the romantics, some take rejection/splitting up hard. Romantics though take it hard most of the time. Ive found several ways to help this go away and how to move on.
Find another fish:
Ive been so lucky this far to find that after every person ive been rejected by, that the next person seems even better in all aspects. Im not saying find a girl/guy and have a one night stand. This will dull the pain, for one night. Then you’ll feel hollow after realizing that you are still without someone. What im saying is to stop making everything about that person you are currently after. Make it about someone else. Give them what you couldn’t give the person who rejected you.
Make it about you:
Everyone has hobbies and dreams. Personally, my big goals in life: Be in love, Become a musician, Become a videogame designer, Become a psychologist. My hobbies: drums, music, writing, making art. To sorta quote somebody “whenever I start feeling lonely, I stop feeling lonely and be awesome instead”. I will play on my drums, listen to music, write, or focus on my other goals in life. It gets your mind off of everything.
See their perspective:
It’s not your fault they don’t feel the same way, or theirs. That feeling that you have towards them, that feeling you cant control or get rid of currently, is the same feeling that they cant get or manufacture for you. It’s not this way for true love but for infatuation, the judgement is immediate. I contend that just like art and music, in which you immediately decide whether or not you like it, your decision of liking someone is controlled by your autonomic system (the one that’s automatic and you don’t think about). What actually makes this worse is the fact that you will actually fabricate reasons at the same time. You don’t know why you like that song or painting, but you will fabricate because it’s the mood or color; however, other songs and paintings with similar features will be deemed bad. There is no logical reason why you like those songs, paintings, or find that person attractive. There is no logical reason why that person cant find you attractive
Change the way you think:
Ill never find anyone who loves me, im ugly, whats wrong with me, these questions frequent the despondent. First, notice these negative thoughts, then change them. Realize that love is hard for everyone. Do you realize how magical and difficult it must be to find someone who can completely accept you and your flaws and be accepted with theirs? Just notice how that person saved you by rejecting you. You want love, they cant give you love, that relationship was bound to fail anyways. Why would you want someone who doesn’t love you? You are now free to look for your soul-mate in the time being in a destined-to-fail relationship, would have taken.
Beauty is subjective, everyone’s idea is different. What you think is beautiful and what I think are completely different. Fun fact: if you are a girl reading this and you think some guy is hot, I can guarantee I will not find him attractive. In my opinion physical beauty of others is actually determined by how one looks. If one has big ears, small nose, and blue eyes, then others with those same features will be deemed more attractive than ones with different traits. I feel as if attractiveness is determined by the features we are exposed to the most. If you ever notice couples that look alike this is why. Even in times before the mirror, I hypothesize; people would find others that had the same features as their parents subconsciously (because parents are the people we see the most, other than ourselves).
If love was taken away from you, know that: 1. It wasn’t meant to be. If love was taken away then there is some reason; one partner or the other fell out of love and now it’s not love. Either move on or try to rekindle the love that was once there. 2. At least you had it while it lasted. Some have never had it (like yours truly, yet). You can prove it exists; you have confidence that you can find it. Even I find it hard to believe that it exists sometimes. Luckily, I have really close friends that support and help me believe in such a hard to find idea!
“Nothing is miserable unless you think it so….” – Buddha
I honestly hope I have helped you in some way. Romance is a hard path to tread. I hope that ive given you enough supplies to help walk the path. I will leave you with one last tidbit of knowledge: Even if it seems you are given hope, then have it taken away, know that it will be what carries you to your final destination. The flying squirrel cannot ‘fly’ from one forest to another; it must glide from tree to tree. It needs those trees to keep it up, to help it stay on its path. If none of the trees were there, the squirrel would fall to the ground.