Monthly Archives: January 2014

Confusion

Confusion

This is what happens when i want to draw, but have no idea what to draw. Pretty much just let the ‘picture’ dictate itself to me. I find it visually pleasing for absolutely no reason.

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Red or Blue (an actual love letter)

Red or Blue

Foreword

This was an actual letter i wrote for someone. She really enjoyed reading and was loved smart books/movies like The Matrix (hence the red/blue reference). This was what i had hoped to win her over with. Alas, she said no; however we are still friends and talk normally. This was pretty much our relationship from my perspective and how i saw the super-date i had planned. This was my proudest gesture i had ever done. Leave a comment on what this letter made you feel. I would greatly appreciate any feedback.

I.

A boy and a girl. Is this not how it always starts? He a shy, insecure, but friendly guy; always trying to make sure his thoughts were lined up before he spoke them. Always wanting those around him to know they mattered to someone, to him. He himself may have felt alone at times; however, his friends and family cared for him. He wanted nothing more than a true romance-true love- where each partner gave all of themselves. The kind pictured in the shows and movies he’d watch. The kind where roses were given, hugs were shared, experiences made, and happiness went all around. He had had a few girlfriends, but none had actually let him have this romance he had desired. He had seen the potential of having what he’d desire in other women; however, they hadn’t seen the potential in him. He had given up hope many times, but adamantly restored it every time, without fail. Then he had met the girl.

II.

            She had seemed different than the rest of the girls he had fallen for. He had begun to fall for her and he finally gathered the courage to talk to her.  He got to know her. She was more incredible than the boy could have imagined. She had been hurt in incomprehensible ways, but did not let that change her personality. She remained this sweet, caring, and romantic person that he had gotten to know. They shared a lot of interests. He was beginning to think that she was truly meant for him. Nobody he had ever met, including some of his friends, had connected in so many ways with him. This had completely changed how he felt about her. She had become more than a crush to him- meaning more than any of those others had meant to him. She was supposed to be in his life. It was true; however, he has yet to find out in what way.

III.

He told this girl how he felt. He explained to her the best way he could about how she made him feel safe. How she let him be himself without judgment. How he might finally realize his dream of romance if she’d take a chance with him. Unfortunately, she did not reciprocate his feelings.

After he dealt with this realization, he had still wanted her to like him. He felt she cared for him in some way, but couldn’t move on until he knew there was absolutely no hope of her ever feeling the same way about him. He begged the girl to tell him that there was no chance of her ever having feelings towards him. She would not give him that. She believed that something eventually may be possible between them. She believed anything could happen. He believed there was still hope. He could not give up on her, she meant too much to him.

IV.

            And so months went by. They were still friends and hung out together. All the while he was hoping to get her. He had come up with an idea. Maybe he could make her fall for him by being terribly romantic; by letting himself loose. She was a romantic also and maybe her seeing him for who he truly was would cause her to return his feelings. He decided to take her on a super-date consisting of a walk downtown, dinner, and a walk in a park. After the date he’d ask her if she felt anything. If not, then she never will. He had asked her if she would like to go on a date with him. He explained that it would not make them tied to each other, but that it would give him a chance to show her who he really is. She said yes.

V.

            The night of the date had arrived. He was terribly nervous; he was shaking all over. He finally arrived at her house to pick her up. He knocked on her door. She opened it with a smile on her face. He wasn’t nervous anymore.

They went downtown, explored the shops, and talked. Not about anything in particular, they just talked. To them it just came naturally. She got cold. He took his jacket off. Wrapped it around her, and then hugged her tight as he could. She smiled.

Their dinner was excellent. He got to know things about her that she had told only to a few people. He was looking at himself from the outside. This was happiness- to make her happy. He had been able to glimpse, even if for a moment, what true love feels like.

They ended up in the park. They just sat in the grass and explored each other’s mind. He wanted this moment to last forever. It was at this moment he felt he had understood what true beauty was. He saw it, not in the way she looked, but how she talked. It completely amazed him how someone so beautiful remained unrecognized by most. He asked her if he could try something out, she let him. He moved his lips close to hers; she backed away at first, but then realized what he was doing- they had discussed this before. Their lips never touched. They just stayed there, feeling the heat off of each other’s lips, keeping their eyes locked. They stayed there for a euphoric century. Then they just rested on the ground next to each other in silence and enjoyed the moment.

VI.

            The night had come to a close. He was dropping her off at her house. He opened the passenger door for her. Before she got up, he opened the glove box. Inside there were a series of letters for her and a rose. They had hugged and said goodbye.

The girl now by herself had begun to read the letters. The first letter explained the rose, that it meant hope; a reminder that this night existed, that true romance is real. The second letter thoroughly explained how he felt towards her and why. It nearly brought tears to her eyes. The last letter was a small story telling their story and how the boy hoped it would go.  The ending gave a choice, she got to decide how the story would end. She would choose between the blue pill or the red pill to determine the ending of their story. After reading the letter she texted the boy…

Blue Pill Ending.

            She really appreciated how the boy felt and how he had treated her. She had even been given a sense of hope after this night. She just couldn’t feel the same way. She knew the boy wouldn’t want her to text him red out of guilt. She knew that it would impede his chance of finding a girl who does want him. She texted him blue. Although the boy felt a pit in his chest after receiving the text, he eventually moved on. The boy and the girl remained friends and the boy does find his true love. The girl finds hers. Separately they loved and were loved.

Red Pill Ending.

            She begins to feel a spark of some emotion within her. She thinks this boy can truly give her something special. Although the two arent necessarily tied to each other romantically, she texts him red to let him know that he can take her on romantic dates; that these two can eventually become boyfriend and girlfriend; that she thinks her spark can become the fire that he has. Eventually they find something special. Together they loved and were loved.

 

 

Hopeful Romantics

There’s a reason they call them “hopeless” romantics. Love is one of the hardest things to believe in and truly follow through with. Rejection and the wrong relationships can lead to this horrible feeling: the horrible realization that the idealistic thing you believe in begins to chip apart. You give 120% of yourself for an idea alone, a concept few people can grasp. Then you watch as that idea falls into pieces- breakups, other people turning hollow inside, and just the fact that maybe you will never find what it is you want. You will see other romantics turn heartless , who in turn, destroy more hearts leaving fewer romantics in existence. You will be told that your idea is too idealistic you will NEVER be able to create what exists inside your mind. And after so many rejections or break ups, the only thing you will want to do is to give up.

However, I contend that we call these people “hopeful” romantics. They wake up every day to a cold, dead place and somehow believe in the equivalent to Santa! Watching their friends relationships crumble before their eyes and still trying to help and still thinking that MAYBE, just maybe the relationship will prevail over all obstacles. Then you know what happens? Their friend’s relationship overcomes whatever obstacle it was facing- mere hope from another human being had, in part, helped them see that it was a mere rough patch in a silk-woven quilt. The romantics hear that 50 percent of marriages end up in divorce and still believe that if they look hard enough they can find their soul mate, the one, or whatever you would like to call it. They are the ones who invented the phrase “well if it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be” because they even see hope in rejections and divorce! They may be rejected by every person they go after and somehow honestly believe that they will find their true love. These people give others hope.  This child-like innocence makes people believe that there still may be beauty in the dark world.

They are some of the most caring humans I have ever met. Sure people may find them too needy and touchy, but what the hell people, isn’t that what most people want: someone who cares specifically about them and them alone?!  These people know how to show someone love, and that is what i love about them. Ive seen them do crazy romantical gestures to someone who has never had them before- even if the romantic didnt love them! Ive seen these people lose jobs and take more jobs just to make sure the other person is comfortable with were they are working and with their finances. Ive see these people seriously just let go of someone they love so that person could be happy. All a romantic is, is someone who just wants to make a singular person happy for the rest of their life whether that be through flowers, love letters, or financial stability. So to those friends of mine, and to those I have yet to meet, that continue to give me hope and make the world a better place I would sincerely like to say thank you.

Happiness 101 Pt 4

“Be Aware Of Your Thoughts”

We are our thoughts; our thoughts make us who we were, are, and will be.  Think about this: your best friend has made plans to hang out with you tonight. An hour before you are supposed to hang, they cancel and give you an explanation. Think about how you would feel and what would go through your mind in this scenario. You would feel let down, which is completely reasonable. However, where your thoughts go may not be. In fact, there are three ways you could respond to an incident.

  1. You friend was telling the truth. You believe them, and just carry on as usual. Maybe you make plans for another time. You let the situation be what it is and then you let go.
  2. You friend is a liar. They just gave you an excuse because they hate you. You play the victim in which your friend actually wronged you intentionally
  3. You’re to blame. You said something that made them feel uncomfortable about being around you. Everything is your fault.

Each of these three internal responses is a result of parenting. I don’t feel like I need to really go into why they come in to play. The point is that you realize these responses in your head- know when and why you think them. The only healthy one is the first one, even if the other two are true (if 2 is true, then you need a healthier relationship; conversely, if 1 is true, you need to be a better person).

Once you realize which one you internalize, fix it. Every time you hear “it’s my fault”, address it, then come up with rationalizations on why it’s not. Change “I suck as a human being” to “im actually a pretty decent person because I help that one person with that one thing”. The more often you correctly internalize these, the less depressing life will seem. It will help your self-worth and make you believe that there is good in the world.

Have a good day!

Happiness 101 Pt 3

“Live in the Moment”

People fight, dream, and some third thing. All of these things are normal; however, they can sometimes affect us adversely. Being in the past hurts us sometimes. We think about break ups, arguments, or recent tragedies. However, those things aren’t actually happening now- they already happened. If you can learn to quiet your monkey brain from thinking about them, you will begin to be happier. If you must think about the past, think about the good things (you passed that class, that cute girl said hi, you were able to drive to the gas station from your house on E).

The future can hinder our happiness as well. We can expect things to happen, and then get disappointed when they don’t. We can compare what we want the future to be like, and feel depressed when we look at our current situation. We can also feel like the future will be even darker than the present. Even though preparing for these outcomes are good (like making a choice that prevents a bad future), don’t dwell on these thoughts.

Just focus on the now and the good.

“Cut Off Any Attachments”

This statement has always bothered me, mainly because of relationships. I completely understand the concept of dethatching yourself from money and expectations, but relationships it’s hard for me. If you have an over-romanticized idea of how a relationship is supposed to be then you will be disappointed eventually, and therefore, become unhappy. But the problem is NOT the fact that you are in a relationship, it’s that you expect it to work out a certain way.

Friendships and romantic relationships give everyone happiness. Humans are social creatures with an inborn desire to make friends and have romances. Relationships are good, even though people fight sometimes, relationships are great in the long run. This is a hard one to describe, but I’ll try my best. If you are in a (key word–>) healthy relationship with someone you are both growing. You continuously learn from the other person every day you live with them. You are constantly improving yourself and becoming a better person. If you are giving each other a healthy amount of attention, affection, and comfort; you will be happy. So go ahead and fall in love.

Happiness 101 Pt 1

“Intro”

I will only be happy if i get this job, or if i have this much money, or if i marry this person; these thoughts cross everyone’s mind eventually, but all of them are flawed (with the partial exception of the last one which i will explain later). Happiness mostly comes in moments, and barely for extended periods of time. All of our hopes and dreams are just us trying to achieve lasting happiness. Unfortunately, this is doomed from the start.

“Adaptation Principal”

Picture happiness like a graph:

1 (happy)                 ——–x————-

0 (neutral)                ———x———–

-1 (negative emotion) ——–x————-

0 is a normal day, nothing good/bad happens. 1 is a happy day, something good happens, and -1 is a bad day. You can go further up than one and further down than negative one if it’s exceptionally good/bad.

Now if something good happens to you on Tuesday (you win the lottery) you become really happy. You will be so happy for the following months; however, (according to a study) by 6 months you will level back down to 0. This means that you will no longer be at that heightened state of happiness. What happened though, did you spend all the money? No, what happened was you became used to your status. Having a large sum of money every day lost its pizazz. Promotions are the same thing, you feel happy for a little bit, and then it wears off. This may sound a little depressing but i have some good news.

The same is true for the adverse emotions. If you are in a car accident, several months/years later (no matter how severe the damage) you will feel mentally better. You will reach that neutral level of happiness again. This is called the Adaptation Principal in psychology. People adapt to change fairly well it seems.

How can we stay happy if we eventually level back down to neutral?

Happiness can only be achieved through growth. If you continue to win the lottery or earn promotions, you will continue to be happy. But that’s not easy since you will probably be dead from lightning killing you before you win the lottery even the first time, and eventually promotions stop coming (you can’t really promote someone who is at the top of the company latter). There is an easier way though. Learn something; find a hobby. Personally i play my drums. But it’s not enough to have a hobby, you must improve that skill. People are happiest when they face a challenge that is at their level. If you play easy songs or draw stick figures your entire life you will not grow and fail to feel truly happy. When you learn a new skill this increases your happiness, and as you grow in skill, you grow on the Adaptation chart. Theoretically, if you continue to grow every day you will never have an unhappy day.

An Analysis of “Schism” by Tool

To understand what Schism means we must understand what the word is. A schism is a split or separation from a larger part, usually from a religion. So already we can figure out that this song is about a separation from a religion or from spirituality in general.

“I know the pieces fit…fall away” the narrator has the full perspective. They are watching as the whole tower crumbles. Do you know of any towers that have fallen? How about the tower of Babylon? Babylon was the city in which everyone understood each other, no matter what language they spoke. But the narrator is not talking about a literal language, one that is spoken; no, the narrator is talking about an fundamental understanding between souls. This is the “communication” they keep on referencing.

“The light that fueled our fire…burned a whole between us so”. What made us fundamentally similar actually ended up tearing us apart. Light is usually a reference to a God figure. Looking for religion or a sense of transcendence has actually caused us to distance one another. Religions battle each other over superficial differences, they “point the finger, blame the other, watch the (other religion’s?)  temple topple over.”

“There was a time the pieces fit….” And “…strangled by our coveting” Maybe the narrator believes that all religions were once one super religion and eventually split into different sects. Then each coveted their own sect (Islam, Christianity, Judaism).

The narrator leaves with a warning: “Doomed to crumble unless we grow, and strengthen our communication.” Unless we come back to our original understanding of spirituality, we are doomed to fall spiritually and physically (kill off our entire spieces)

The last stanza “cold silence…brothers” tells how this separation will kill off any sense of compassion between parties that are supposed to be brothers. I feel like this is another reference to the superficial differences between religions. All promote peace yet have extremists that cause huge amounts of harm (the Crusades, Terrorism, and nailing Christians to crosses).

Disclaimer:  I feel i should state the Maynard isnt apart of any of the ‘main’ religions (i think he is New Age maybe?).

I have no idea what was going through his head when he wrote this, but i feel i did a decent job of understanding the lyrics. Lyrics mean different things to different people; this is just what i find them to mean

My Philosophies On Love (and other emotional burdens) PT 6

Rejection

 

Buddha said it best: Suffering is created by want, if you want, you will suffer (thats a paraphrase). If you want love, be prepared to suffer. Rejection is the worst feeling in the world; well technically its despondence, but despondence is caused most frequently by rejection than any other situation. Despondence is that combination of the feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, depression, worthlessness, and that absolutely horrible feeling in your chest. Nothing you can do will ever allow you to skip this feeling after being rejected by someone you actually care about. However you can shorten it if you realize a few things:

  1. That person cant help the fact they don’t feel the same way as you, just like the fact you cant help the way you feel about them.
  2. Realize that person just saved you from a relationship with someone who didn’t like you. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like you?
  3. Move on, stop thinking about them. Play a few videogames.
  4. This isn’t the end, you will fall for another.
  5. In my personal experience, the next person is always better than the one who last rejected you. You may think that the person you just got rejected by was pure gold, but the next person will be platinum.

When i fall, i fall hard…EVERY TIME. I truely cared about every girl ive asked out. Its a weird emotion to explain, but its a kinda happy feeling in the pit of your stomach and a very strong urge to make them happy. When i finally gather the courage to ask her out, she says “no”, “lets be friends”, “maybe next week” or some other overused cleche’. Anyway, i feel despondent for a bit then remember: I felt incredible around her, she made me feel completely happy, BUT i didnt make her feel that way and there was nothing i could do to change that, she just didnt feel it. Why would i want her to not have that feeling, should i really be so selfish as to not have that beautiful feeling shared? Food for thought.

Also- side note on the friend zone. You are never really friend zoned UNLESS you both decide to not be in a relationship in fear that it would ruin it. “lets be friends” is not being friendzoned. If they actually like you back they will say yes to you asking them out. Women, guys dont (most of us anyways) become friends to sleep with you. And believe it or not, not everything we do is predecided. Maybe we become friends and then we fall for you on accident. Sometimes we are interested in you from the start, but made a misstep or didnt flirt too obviously, and ended up as friends instead of a couple. that was just a rant i felt the need to go on, im tired of people saying they were friend zoned…

Conclusion

I hope in some way ive enlightened you to my ideas of love and that my advice sprinkled in there helps you a little bit. I have little ‘first hand’ experience with love, but ive observed a lot of my friends’ relationships and constantly think about the subject in hopes of finally obtaining it myself. I may or may not add on to this. Feel free to comment on any section of this. Love isn’t dead, it is just hard to find. Even if the light at the end of the tunnel  always seems to be a fluorescent bulb, remember that those fluorescent bulbs will eventually lead you to your final destination; the light at the end of the tunnel. You do me a favor: Have a good day!